I uttered these words yesterday while listening to yet another message that felt tailor-made for me. And no, I’m not complaining, I could not be more grateful for a patient and loving God willing to teach me how and when I need it most. I just needed to remind myself of that very thing, I may be going through what seems to be the same situation, but I am not the same person who went through it before.

Maybe I should give you context. In May 2021 I moved out on my own, and since then I haven’t only lived alone in my apartment, but in the city. Now moving out may have felt like a long time coming, and it was, but the circumstances weren’t only less than desirable, they also added to the trauma that has kept me bound in more ways than one.

Since then it’s been what looks like a long road to recovery. Recovery of identity, strength, courage, drive, motivation, understanding, boldness, and a whole lot more. I have enjoyed my time alone, but it has also been hard. Not the kind of thing that happens to everyone, and not the type of thing I always like to share. But we’re getting somewhere, I promise.

In this journey, the one of the narrow path, more than once I’ve felt like I’m reliving situations, almost as if I’m in a hamster wheel. I’ve even used the phrase in my prayers, asking God to move me from them and help me progress to the life he’s created me for.

But one thing I’ve learned is, that what HAS to happen first is the change within. Only by becoming who God created me to live can I start living the life He created me for. It does not happen any other way. And take it from me, you better be careful with what you pray for, because God will take you at your word and will start working things out for you to receive that which you pray for, but the process isn’t pretty. The beginning is exciting only because it’s new and unknown. But then, we get past the exciting part, and we’re nowhere near the other side. It’s no longer cute and the end is nowhere in sight. There’s a reason why it’s called the messy middle. It’s a mess in the middle.

Encanto is one of my favorite movies. And my favorite song in the soundtrack is “Dos Oruguitas“. One of the reasons why I love it is because it introduced me to a word I had never heard before, chrysalis. The messy middle where the caterpillar no longer exists but the butterfly hasn’t formed. We always talk about the metamorphosis, the transformation. But no one talks about the chrysalis. Even the cocoon is talked about more. But the cocoon is the outer shell, the protection, the external structure that PROTECTS the transformation taking place, yet it isn’t the transformation itself. The chrysalis is the point where there’s no going back, but the end is still not in sight. The song depicts it so well. The journey from caterpillars to beautiful butterflies. It makes me cry every time.

I wonder how many of us are in a chrysalis. No longer the lost caterpillars hoping for something more, something better, losing the restraints of our current existence. But not quite the butterflies that are ready to see the world and all its wonders. Just somewhere in the middle. Knowing we’re being transformed, just wondering when we’ll be on the other side.

Because if I were to explain where I am today, it’s definitely in a chrysalis. I am no longer the Melissa that I used to be. I am surely not the independent woman who felt like she HAD to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. The one who couldn’t ask for help or share her struggles because she couldn’t fathom being a burden to others. The one who believed and loved God but never depended on Him. She only needed his push, but she “got” the rest. The one who had no idea who she was, WHOSE she was, how much she was loved and desired, and who felt the weight of her impossible dreams.

And though I’m not there anymore, and I’m grateful for that, I’m not on the other side of the metamorphosis YET. I still doubt, I still want to take matters into my own hands, and I still want to run when I need to be still. My mind still races, I still long for what I should want, and I still forget about the one who loves me most. There’s a lot of transformation and healing ahead of me, and yet when I look in the mirror, I like how I see because of how much she’s been transformed already.

So when I was sitting between two of my best friends and I heard the words, I needed to repeat them back to me, to let them sink in, and to actually believe them. My circumstances seem identical to what they were this time last year. I felt at the end of the rope, holding for dear life that my current situation would change and wondering when this would finally be over. I feel due for a new chapter.

The difference is, I’m not the same. My faith is stronger, my hope is alive. I may venture off and experience anxiety again, but anxiety doesn’t have me anymore. Hope is winning this battle. The way I think has changed, and the way I feel isn’t the same, especially about myself and my worth (and value), and that already makes a world of a difference.

If you’ve reached this paragraph, I hope this helps. No, it doesn’t change your circumstances, but maybe knowing that YOU have changed and are changing helps you realize that you are closer to being a butterfly. your metamorphosis is taking place. You’re in a chrysalis of your own, and as you’re transformed, so is the world around you.

As the song says, there comes our miracle. You may not see it, but your world is changing. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Just like the world can’t see your transformation, and yet it’s already filled with expectation.

Let’s hold on to hope that we’ll soon be enjoying the beauty of our wing spread wide.